All children experience change at different times throughout their childhood. Starting school, changing classes, moving house are all common examples.

As the school year ends, we thought now would be the perfect time to share our advice on how parents and foster carers can help children to cope with change. Children experience several life changes when they come to live with a fostering family, often having to adapt to several life transitions at once.

Looked after children must adapt to a new home, a new ‘family’, a new location and sometimes a new school and new friendship group too. Often the children we care for also experience a shift in their way of life, changing from a challenging family dynamic to something more nurturing and stable, for example.

If you are about to welcome a child into your home, or a child you are caring for is about to change schools, this blog post is for you. Parents of children about to move from primary to secondary school will also find these tips useful, as will families who are about to relocate or move house.

How to help children with change

Communicate

Any change, big or small, can feel scary for a child. The fear of the unknown can cause anxiety and may lead to challenging behaviour. The best thing you can do as a parent or carer is to talk to your child about what is going to happen.

Allow your child the space to ask as many questions as they want and be honest with your answers. Use age-appropriate communication but try to provide your child with as much information as possible.
The more information a child has, the less anxious they should feel. For example, if a child is worried about their new school, spend time talking to them about their concerns and try to provide answers that offer reassurance.

Maintain routines

Whenever possible, try and maintain your child’s usual routines. If your looked after child always had a story before bed, try to keep this in their bedtime routine. Too much change at once can lead to anxiety and challenging behaviour.

Try to keep some aspects of your child’s life consistent and predictable. A stable routine can feel like a safe, comfort blanket in times of change. For example, children coming to live with foster carers may need certain parts of their day to stay the same, such as eating a certain food for breakfast or engaging in a specific activity after school.

Allow children to be involved

Lots of change that happens in childhood is out of a child’s control. Help the children in your life to feel more in control by offering them options and the opportunity to voice their opinion when appropriate. For example, if a child is worrying about starting a new school, you can take them shopping and let them choose their new schoolbag and stationery. Alternatively, if you are moving house, why not ask your child what colour they would like their bedroom to be painted?

Whatever transition is about to happen, the more you can involve the children in your care the better. This can of course be challenging for fostering families but look for the small opportunities available where you can offer your looked after child a chance to get involved and share their opinions.

Validate their feelings

If a child says they are feeling scared, they don’t need you to tell them that there is no need to be scared. Instead, take the time to validate their feelings. If your looked after child tells you they are nervous about starting a new school, make sure they know that it is completely normal for them to feel that way. If a child is missing their birth family, tell them you understand and you are always here to listen.

Change is unavoidable and often children just need you to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Never underestimate how powerful just sitting and listening to a child’s feelings can be.

Teach coping strategies

Some children adapt to change better than others. If a child in your care is struggling with a big transition in their life, teaching them coping strategies can be highly beneficial. There are many strategies that can be used to calm anxious thoughts, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, relaxing activities, walking and sharing your feelings.

If your child is feeling stressed about a big change, spend time practising these coping strategies with them. Young children learn from what they see, and it can be helpful to model healthy coping strategies as often as you can.

Advice for foster carers

As you can see, there are several things you can do to help a child cope with change. However, as we mentioned above, transitions can be especially difficult for children in foster care. Looked after children often experience multiple transitions simultaneously and this can be challenging for even the most resilient young people.

We asked one of our fostering families to provide three pieces of practical advice for new foster carers. This is what carers R* and J* had to say…

• Adapt your communication approach – As much as you can, adjust your approach to fit the child, which can be difficult if they are new to you! Our experience, highlighted by the 3 girls we currently foster, is that a level of detail is good for some children and outline of what’s happening will suffice for others. Providing certain children with too much information might cause them to feel overwhelmed.

• Ask children how they feel – Ask the child and read between the lines. If they are new to you, use the information you are provided with, but don’t necessarily take it as Gospel. The PACE approach – playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy whilst especially useful for younger children, has supported us with children of all ages.

• Utilise the support available – The children we care for have recently and are about to experience school changes. In all 3 cases the transition days run by the schools have been excellent and helped a lot. For us they are a must, so make every effort for the child to go on them.

The girls we care for are very resilient, which may not always be a good thing emotionally, but they did take everything in their stride when they came to us and subsequently changed schools. The two that changed schools have both had very solid first years and settled in quickly. if you can get underneath a child’s tough veneer, which comes in time and bit by bit, you do start to understand what’s making them tick with everything and you can then put the relevant emotional support in place.

Useful resources

Preparation is always key when it comes to big life changes. Help the children in your care make smooth transitions and deal with the fear of change by planning ahead and learning as many positive parenting techniques as possible.

Here are some additional resources you can use to help you provide the best support, whether that be for a looked after child who is struggling to adapt to their new home or for a child who is worried about their transition to secondary school in September.

10 ways to help children cope with change

Top tips to help when your child changes school

Action for children – How can I help my child cope with change

Transitions and change – mental health parent guide

Interested in becoming a foster carer?

Are you interested in fostering? We are currently seeking loving and dedicated individuals and couples to join our fostering team. Focus Foster Care is an independent fostering agency based in Kenilworth.

We are Ofsted rated good and provide round-the-clock support for all our fostering families. Contact us today to start your application. You can get in touch by filling out our online contact form or calling 0800 524 4797.